How To: Eels

EELS

People; This one was hard work! I had my own, personal experiances with Eels and I picked up a couple of tips about Eels in general from Google. But an entire year of haunting the " Zoophile " Forums, begging for input from anyone else with some experiance, I'm sorry, if not surprised to say, got just the expected, lame 'jokes'.

Packman lumbered again, eh? I don't mind that. But it really is a bit bloody disheartening, when ye ask a seething mass of self proclaimed " Zoophiles " who, amongst them, has actually experianced anything ye couldn't "Know" after visiting here, eg. only to be met with a resounding silence. Sounds a bit like half a dozen people fucked about with dead eels, for the money. I fucked about with live eels, because that's the sort of thing I do. Everyone else? I suppose you lot enjoyed the necro bestiality shots the actors produced, eh?

Now, as I don't personally deal with the, ' position of the womans G Spot ' side of all this, I shall, once again, be leaving it to your own proclivities just what you do with your eel (s) once you close the bedroom door. My job is to get you through that door with something worth having along. That's where the typical, everyday, hard work of being a Real Life Zoophile kicks in. First; Ye have to get the eels!

Time was, at least in coastal Southern UK, like, thirty years ago, I saw Live Eels for sale, regularly, at the local Fish Mongers. For the younger among you, that used to be a man who sold dead fish. Real fish. Fish with a head at one end. Tail at the other. Scales and fins in between? That was a Fish Monger. A Wet Fish seller. Now, I see, "Fish" comes in blue and yellow boxes. With "Sea Gulls" on the front. We can't buy Live Eels any more. I can't anyway. Part of my research for this peice was to try. Well, I tried.

How to get your eels: Eels, by nature, preferring water, you'll find that's the best place to start. The exact type of water I shall leave to your local circumstances. But, if you have a body of fresh or salt water to hand? Chances are it has eels in it. If there are Anglers angling on the water, it's pretty much a foregone conclusion. That's our first port of call then: Anglers.

Anglers hate eels. Mainly because they catch them. Catching a live eel, regardless of size, is not the highlight of the average anglers day. They dance and jink on the line as soon as they leave the water and always manage to ruin everything before their heads come off and the still wriggling body is kicked aside, or about, depending on the catchers demeanour. It's also worth noting that almost All such eels are no thicker than ye finger and only about nine inches long. Let them decapitate them then.

However, should you mention to enough anglers, along a river bank, creek side or even the local lake, that you know someone who's kid wants a live eel, for a school project.....and beer? Most anglers will tell you eels really aren't that hard to catch. One or two may ever have a spare rod and a few worms to pitch out, while he watches the float on his main rod. You must be a person of taste and charm - you contemplate sex with a live eel - so how about you let the local experts display their prowess. Worth a fiver and fun to watch.

For the Real out there - you guys who may quietly read this and decide it's about time ye broadened a horizon or two. Not prepared to let a silly thing, like leaving your PC, stand in your way? There's work to be done.....

This Sack thing is an annecdotal suggestion - in as much as that I've never personally used it - but I have the information in good faith, from several sources. It also stands up to what I Do know. I'd adopt it, if need be:

Get a standard, hessian sack. (Ever more difficult, I know. View it as part of a Fence Hop and enjoy). Loosley stuff said sack with straw. Stab it like a Burmese Mascot and then, deep into the belly of this straw, shove something ghastly. Road kill cat would be ideal. Rabbit is maybe more easily come across? If they're around, an old hen...? If ye have the where with all to hang the lot in the air for a while, till it becomes just too disgusting to have hanging around, you're all set. Get a fair length of rope. Think cheap washing line. Plastic coated's fine.

Take the festering lot to the local water and sling it in. A wall brick or two will aid both the slinging and sinking out of sight process. My advice, from similar ventures, is to attatch the rope to a stake and drive the stake in so that it's concealed beneath the water level and so the whole kit's invisable. Then go home.

Up to you how long ye leave it. Couple of days? Next week? Not vital. Just haul it in and have a rummage. Shame about the carcass. Yes. You will get your fingers inside it. Can't be helped. Wear gloves, if ye must. Important thing is to check for eels. Hopefully, you'll end up with a big one. Beauty is, as long as ye know there to be eels in this water, ye can use this trap till ye simply succeed. All ye need is a good, old fashioned stomach, will and determination. Oh, and plentifull of cats in ye neighbourhood. (Yes. And cars. Better add cars, hadn't I?)

Note how, this way, the eel is unharnmed by its capture? We can't help the Anglers hook, but eels take a surprisingly small one and, as long as you ask, the guy will treat the animal with a little respect for ye. What I don't want anyone to do is to get bright ideas about *Poachers Night Lines*. Baites hooks which one simply slings out and pegs. Often multiple hooks on one line. Totally illegal. Quite disgusting. Anything ye do catch will leave its guts on any hook ye manage to see again. Please don't fuck about.

A carrier bag, tied damn securely with its own handles about the neck, is a fine manner of transport for your eel. Doesn't require water. Having said that, a handfull of wet weed, or even rag, is the only decent thing to do for it. Just get it home without fuss. (Finished with the sack? Untie and empty the lot into the water and take ye rope home).

Now, here's the tricky bit. Now, or later? If later, ye need to keep him happy, while we all wait. That'll take work and money. He'll need a three foot tank and an air pump. As we begin the year 2003, I'm figuring you'll not see much change out of £30.00 here, and I know my prices. But that's what ye must have for an eel. Load of gravel in the bottom and that's largely the last you'll see of him. Feed him worms or beef heart, cut into short, thin strips. Don't go mad or you'll only end up hooking the stinking, white stuff out again. The astute and knowing will spot I allow for no Filter? Why? Filters cost money and he should be gone before it gets worth filtering his water. Use a bucket and change some by hand, if ye few days needs to become five.

There's a very good reason for not trying to keep your eel long. Quite apart from doubling the cost of all this with a filter worth using, the bloody creature will go mad. Crazy. Ape shit. Ballistic. You will have one fucking Bad Eel. Ye don't want that, so ye let him go early. OK? Get another one next time. Tank won't go anywhere and you can always keep bigger Goldfish in it, even with the eel there. Then ye Will need that filter.

Time to put ye eel to work? Back into his carrier bag. How ye get him out of his tank will be something you'll never forget. Getting him from a to be is something you won't manage, without his carrier bag. You'll want a bucket of clean, room temprature or cooler water too. And a flannel cloth or two. Don't be tempted to try and carry your eel in the bucket.

All set and with bucket beside you, get him out of his bag and into the bucket for a dunk and wipe down. See, his slime is a natural and basicly neutral secretion. It's what we describe as clear and it's perfectly clean and wholesome stuff. Except that the shit in our enviroment will soon turn it to a dirty, grey, wholly unwholesome matter. You'll also find that the eel dries out somewhat after a bit. Almost as if they run out of the turbo charged, copious quantities of slime supplies. Be sure then to keep him wiped and wet, for the comfort of all concerned.

I'd only add that they tend to lose their vigour after a bit. Considering their place in the scheme of things, I suppose this is hardly surprising. Please Do remember, at all times, that this is a living creature who bears you no harm and doesn't wish to be here. The object is to enjoy what he can bring, then let him go home.

To this end; Keep him off the carpet. No matter how clean You consider it, there's fibres and shit there to harm him. Keep him washed down with his clean water. Washed. Not just *wet*. DON'T go shoving him inside a Durex. I can't believe anyone with the gumption to still be reading this for more than idle curiosity would even contemplate such a thing, but there it is. Dismiss all stupid impulses and suggestions from others about sewing his lips up, snipping his jaw bones or slicing off the Pectoral fins, at the sides of his head. None will serve any purpose except hurt or kill the eel if not yourself.

Should you so enjoy the experiance? Invest in a decent filtration systtem and you could possibly keep your eel for a month or so? Beyond that, it'll become cruel and pointless, if not down right inpracticable. You caught this one. Go get another. Set a fresh sack when you take this one back to where you caught him. Plenty of eels about.

Finally, a word for the curious who can't imagine why Anyone would go to such troubles as outlined above:

We take the trouble to look after the eel because the eel didn't ask to be there. It's a seriously living thing. If it could ask, it would want to go home. That's the least we can do for it. Get it back there in one peice.

But, Why go to all this bother at all? Why bother with eels in the first place? Why? Because an eel represents something nearly two foot long, about two inches thick and blessed, end to end, with amazingly strong muscles and a central spine. Thus they are able to writhe and contort most powerfully along that considerable length and girth..... Most Powerfully.

Packman®
January, 2003